Well…I’m having a fat attack. Right here. Right now.
This has been an atypical week. Between Passover, work, and general annoyances…and it all added up to waking up this morning with the all too familiar feeling of scathing anxiety (about nothing!) and not being able to button my jeans (which is, of course, untrue). Sometimes ED whispers sweet nothings into my ear (“Those pants make you look chubby”, “vertical stripes? Good luck with that”, “Only 45 minutes at the gym and you’re already soaked though your shirt? Get back to work”). Sometimes I have a shitty day. Sometimes I’d rather wear sweatpants and crawl under my bed than go to work. Know what I do not do? Give up.
It can be scary to think about how vulnerable I can be despite my recovery. It’s frustrating that my first thoughts about anxiety go straight to my body. It sucks. BUT, this is where the learning happens.
Today I met with Rita (my fab therapist) and we discussed finding the silver lining. Sometimes it’s something small, like work sucked today, but at least there wasn’t any traffic! Sometimes it’s something really big. I went through some major transitions this year, like finding a new job, getting my CPT certification, and starting Flex and Shout! Those are all awesome! I also had some major trauma like my friends moving away, and losing my grandfather and uncle. However, despite all of those transitions, and stress and heartache, I did not relapse. In fact, my recovery continued to evolve and grow and strengthen. I feel more solid in my recovery now than ever before. And sometimes…I have fat attacks, but that’s just part of the process. It doesn’t mean I have to give in.
You know, the more I think about it I bet you’d be hard pressed to find anyone, whether they struggle with ED or not, who has never had a fat attack. Considering what the media portrays as “normal”, it’s no surprise that we collectively have poor body image…but it doesn’t have to be that way. We can be proud of who we are and what our bodies do for us. Maybe ED calls for an appointment once in awhile…but it’s up to us to tell him that can’t pencil him in today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. Just tell him to fuck off…you have better things to do. Like…anything at all.
And always remember: You are awesome. Just one more .gif for good measure:
Alright. I feel better. Thanks for the vent sesh. All .gifs are from “Those Mental Health Things”, which is a super hilarious and accurate look at eating disorder treatment. If you, or someone you love, is struggling with eating disorder related issues, check out the NEDA website for more information.